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Posts Tagged ‘house rabbit’

As you, my followers, will recall, my last blog contained a poll and from this poll I learned two important things:  first, the blame rests squarely on the blueberries and second, I am taking over the world. In regard to the former, I should have suspected the evil berries at the outset but they wooed me with their yummieness and, disguised in those little blue jackets, they didn’t seem like they could possibly be at fault. Upon taking a second look (and after drying off *grumble*) it is clear to me that they were of ill intent from the outset. Lesson learned.

You may be wondering, as followers are wont to do, what I mean when I say I am taking over the world. Two words, “social media.” My insistence that my staff provide the resources necessary to connect me to the social masses means that there is now a practically infinite number of bunnies and humans who can readily be exposed to my every thought and comment on all the many things of which I disapprove.

Arliss' Bunspace Badge

Arliss' Bunspace Badge

Just this past weekend, I committed myself to sharing my wisdom on Twitter (ArlissBunny) and I am experimenting with Bunsapce. I am entertained by the fact that my secretary has been tweeting for something like a year and has only thirty-five followers while I have been actively tweeting for three days and already have thirty. I anticipate crushing her in the coming days. Bunsapce seems a bit froofy for me but a number of interesting resources are available there and I do like seeing pictures of all the bunnies and reading their stories.

On social media, a few general remarks are in order:

Twitter: I positively and without reservation HATE the World Cup for screwing up Twitter beyond all recognition. Equally to blame is Twitter for not knowing that little tiny birds can’t carry whales. If that’s your plan folks, try again. You and BP apparently went to the same school for contingency planning.

Additionally, while looking around on Twitter, I learned that I am definitely a liberal. This determination was made based upon the fact that I am a vegan, against human overpopulation of the planet, blame all environmental woes on humans and am pro gun control, though I still stick with the stance I espoused in my earlier blog, “Approval, Grapes and Guns.” The humans who provide my staff services do not necessarily support all of my opinions but that is to be expected. They aren’t really all that bright, after all.

The other thing I find about Twitter is that it creates in me an urge to pontificate on all manner of things about which I, basically, know nothing, like today’s SCOTUS decision on patent law. I’m my own best creation and I can’t be replicated, so why would I give a flying flip kick about patent law? Twitter is subversive that way.

Bunspace: Bunspace is a whole different warren of bunnies. Instead of being filled with all the sports and political crazies, Bunspace is chockfull of bunny crazies. Ok, I consider this an improvement but still, virtual carrots? I don’t get it.

And here’s the last take away on what I have derived from my experience thus far with social media:  nearly seventy humans took my poll. Seriously, people, nearly seventy of you cared enough to take a poll on what or who was to blame for poopy butt. Doesn’t this cause you worry for your species? I know it does me. Never-the-less, I’m planning to ride my fame to its zenieth, utilize my following to subvert the ruling class and then take over the world. Arliss, out.

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It’s so horrible. I can barely bring myself to tell you about The Incident. There I was, out minding my own business, hoping through my kingdom when, suddenly, events overtook me. Actually, I seem to have hopped ahead of myself.

Let’s begin with who is at fault. First of all, of course, Amy (of Gripping Commentary fame) for taking away my primary means of self-expression and clean-up. Even if everything had still happened just as it did, at the very minimum I could have made my rather extreme thoughts on the matter known. Second, my current staff, who just wandered off and left the door to Clover and Mia’s area open thinking they were “just going to be gone for a few minutes.” Seriously! Like that was responsible behavior? Finally, I blame Clover and Mia for being at the far end of their area, standing there and just letting it all happen. Thanks, you two, we will be taking this up after I have fully recovered.

Anyway, back to my story. There they were, six blueberries, lying a few inches inside the door, cut in half and prepared precisely as they should have been – blueberries on the half-shell. There was no one anywhere near them. They had been there for nearly three minutes and I was certain they were going to wilt before Clover bothered to hop himself across to eat them. (Even if Mia had come over in time, she would only have had one or two halves. She’s careful that way.) Obviously, this was a tragedy in the making and I was the only one there with any hope of saving the situation. I did what any respectable bunny would do, I hopped in and ate all six berries. I have to tell you, it was close but I managed it, not a single berry wilted.

Of course, at that very moment, my staff returned, there were loud exclamations and I found myself being hoisted, very unceremoniously, up into the air as if it were I who had been in error. (I refer you again to paragraph two, above, if you have any questions regarding fault.) I was returned to my own space and, get this, the two blueberries which had been left for me were actually removed! (Very rude if you ask me.)

All of this leads us up to last night when…I’m searching for the right words…the worst disaster involving my tail which can possibly be imagined. Suffice to say that seventy minutes of bathing and clipping took place. Bathing…with a sprayer hose! BATHING! And I can’t even go into the fur-cut that came out of it all. There’s just no amount of personal grooming that is going to make this alright. *thump* *Thump* *THUMP*

Now that you know the story, and in light of all the horror, I have decided to take a poll so that blame can be properly assigned. You are welcome to vote as many times as you like.


In conclusion, I know that there are those, Mia included, who view this as a matter of karma and that may be so but if it is, karma isn’t a bitch, it’s definitely a blueberry. *thump*

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1. Your wearing of the black dress slacks is NOT MY PROBLEM! *thump* Like all bunnies, I reserve the right not only to be covered in fur at all times but to release my fur whenever I see fit. Your slacks seem like the perfect opportunity for self-expression. My suggestions are to a) carry a lint roller 24/7, b) wear jeans or c) go naked. What ever you do, however, I insist that you never, ever, under any conditions, imply that the fur thing is a bunny problem. Bunnies have no problem with fur. The fur thing is a human problem.

2. My name is Arliss and I am a GIRL. Use of male pronouns is not appreciated. Just because my slave name is considered a “male” name by some uneducated fools does not mean that I should accept such insult without thumping. *thump!*

3. So, I was watching the news the other day, because it was on in the front room while I was hopping through, and I have to say you humans just really don’t have a clue. The oil thing in the Gulf is another perfect example of massive human hubris. *thump* When will you get it? Having opposable thumbs and large brains doesn’t give you the right to do what ever you want. What they give you is the burden of having to be responsible for your actions. One way or another, the Earth will have its way and you better not screw anything else up for bunnies! (Or whales since, I have to admit, I kind of approve of whales.)

4. How long can one complete gutting of the entire second floor of a house and full remodel take?!?! As I understand it, it will be at least another month before I can move back upstairs into the new rooms. *thump* What is it with contractor time? Is it like dog years?!?! David – any input here?

Does contractor time equal dog years?

A question from an inconvenienced bunny.

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It is incumbent upon me, as a prime representative of my species, to continue to drive us forward, to seek new horizons, to conquer new lands and then to rule over them with an iron paw. This I have done. Here, in Just to the Right of Nowhere, I have expanded the borders of my lands to include the ENTIRE first floor of the house (well, except for that one un-renovated room which doesn’t have air conditioning and is uncomfortably warm this time of year.) I have navigated the furthest reaches of the parlor, front room, laundry porch, master bath, kitchen and the dining room. I own them. Those that live there do so by my leave. I am considering raising taxes.

The most difficult challenge was facing down the large, vicious predator who roams these lands. They call her “Eleanor” and you can tell just by looking at her that she is a killer. You laugh, but her tail can really knock you upside the head. I, of course, am clever enough to duck and keep my ears down. Also, she licked me a once, just a little, and that took HOURS to groom off. Ewwwwwwwwwww!

Eleanor

Eleanor the Goldendoodle

My favorite thing to do during my perambulations around my estates is to hide behind the couches or under chairs. This drives the staff crazy and has resulted in several lengthy searches all of which I consider terribly entertaining and the cherry on top of my day.

Arliss Dines

Dinner is served.

Speaking of cherries, I have found that I approve of both cherries and raspberries though I should say that in the singular because if I have more than one it leads to an unfortunate situation involving my tail which I prefer to avoid. Just last night I was offered some beet leaf and I am taking it under advisement. My usual dinner salad includes cilantro, parsley, kale, endive, Brussels sprout, escarole, green leaf lettuce and Boston lettuce with a mini-carrot appetizer and Bunny Basics-T for dessert. All three courses are paired with a lovely soft water which I very much enjoy. I’m looking forward to the dandelion and other treats that come along with summer salads. The staff here prepares all my salads especially for me by chopping everything up into small pieces so that I can pick them up with my lips and chew them with my back teeth. Not having any front teeth is something of which I very much disapprove as I would be using them not only to eat but to express my disapproval at critical times.

Arliss explores.

Arliss conquers new lands.

(more…)

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I sware, if I hear “cute” and “bunny” in the same sentence just one more time I’m going to vomit and since rabbits literally can’t throw-up it would be quite a feat but, trust me, I’ll get it done. Even thinking about “cute” gives me a bitter taste in the back of my throat, just a little but it’s there. Also, I should be clear, it isn’t so much that “cute” is a problem, it’s that humans are, as has already been long-established, idiots.

There is this one day of the year which some humans have named “Easter.” (We in the rabbit community know it is really International Bunny Day but more on that later.) On Easter, many foolish humans give bunnies as, how humiliating is this, gifts. The poor bunny, usually a baby, is the center of attention for a day or two and then within the circle of banal human attention for another few weeks but just about the time the bunny is a teenager, the humans lose interest entirely. Then one of several things happen. The bunny gets put outside in a hutch or, even worse than that, a sweet, defenseless domestic bunny is turned out into a park or a field. The key here, people, is the word domestic. Domestic rabbits are no more fit to care for themselves in the wild than is a single six-year old human in a forest or jungle. Among other things, rabbits are both strictly prey animals and wild rabbits survive, for their short lives, only in social communities. The average lifespan of a wild rabbit is thought to be about eighteen months. Whereas, a properly cared for domestic bunny in the household where I am presently residing just passed away recently at fourteen years of age. Domestic rabbits released rarely survive more than a few days due to predation and any number of other threats which they are ill prepared to navigate. Oh, there are stories of exceptions but those are few in comparison to the thousands of bunnies who, each year, lose their lives to such carelessness.

Now, let’s discuss the whole concept of the hutch. This contraption was originally invented to house rabbits who were intended for (*gulp*) livestock. Hutches meet virtually none of the basic needs of a rabbit and are responsible for driving many a rabbit insane as in, “Ouch, that rabbit I have been keeping in this inhumane hutch just bit me!” Of course it did, moron, you drove it past the point of breaking. Hutches do not provide nearly enough space or temperature control for rabbits to survive or remain mentally healthy. Did you know that the underground dens of wild rabbits range in temperature from 68° in the Winter to the mid-seventies in the Summer. In other words, never too warm or too cold. Additionally, wild bunnies can huddle together within an enclosed space for added warmth if necessary. Hutches are much too hot in the Summer and far too cold in the Winter. Rabbits either die of heat stroke or freeze to death on a regular basis all across the country. Also, the wire grids of hutch floors cause sores on the paws of bunnies which are not only painful but from which infection can spread. Here’s the most horrible statistic of all. Every year, thousands of bunnies are purchased at Easter and by the next year fewer than ten percent of them are still alive.

So what can you humans do?

Well, first of all, you can pass my blog on to your friends because, among all my other pearls of wisdom, it includes this important link to Make Mine Chocolate™, a campaign to encourage people to purchase chocolate bunnies instead of real ones. Make Mine Chocolate™ is an important cause which saves lives and the yummy chocolate bunnies fund the rescue of abandoned Easter buns. It’s a win-win.

If you are still considering a rabbit, and we can be a good fit in some homes, then check out the information at the Interactive Bun and at the font of rabbit information the House Rabbit Society. Obviously, if you are planning to bring a rabbit into your home, then adopting is always a great route because so much of the homework on the bun has already been done for you as well as, in most cases, the neutering or spaying. Fabulous buns are always to be found at your local chapter of the House Rabbit Society. As a personal note, I just want to add that I was recently made aware of a bun who is, I am told, very much like me, and who is available for adoption from the kind people at the Red Door Shelter in Chicago. Arabella is a precocious girl and, because we are nearly twins, a stunning rabbit. Arabella would love to find a wonderful Forever Home as would all the bunnies currently waiting in shelters.

Easter Origins

Some humans think that a celebration at this time of year, originated with a religious holiday and they are right. It’s just not the one of which they are usually thinking. We bunnies have been celebrating for thousands of years longer than most of the current major human religions.

As we well know, twice a year the day and night are very, very nearly the same length. March 19 to 20 is what is called the Spring or Vernal Equinox. Eggs and rabbits have, for thousands of years, been associated with fertility and with the Spring equinox. In fact, many Arab countries celebrate Mother’s Day at this time. Long before Christianity, when the Goddess of Spring, the not coincidentally named Eostre, was celebrated at the Spring Equinox. Magical or Spirit Hares were associated with her. (Again, a fertility thing.) In those days, young children excitedly awaited the gifts brought by Eostre’s Hares, which were often… surprise…colored eggs. Today, rabbits, which are a different species than are hares, have supplanted the less common and never domesticated hares but the tradition has remained.

I, personally, as a Famous Disapproving Rabbit, have never really gotten into the egg thing because I often have other plans but I have noticed that many other bunnies really get up for it. I overheard Mia, Clover, Madalyn and Samwise in a planning meeting just a couple of days ago. Clover was beaming in the satellite feed, (What… you thought those rabbit ears were just for hearing?) and the four of them were coordinating with other local buns to make sure that Just to the Right of Nowhere is covered. This means that on Easter morning, all the rest of the bunnies around here will be exhausted and I will be able smoothly launch my plan to take over the world. Bwhahaha! Once my plan is underway, it should put the whole “cute” thing to rest once and for all. See…wheels within wheels.

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You may have noticed that I have been fairly quiet these past few days. This is because I recently found out that the place where I am staying, Rising Sun, Indiana (also known as Just to the Right of Nowhere, if you have been following my blog), is directly across the Ohio River from RABBIThash, Kentucky! As in, if you hop up on the window ledge, as I did when I invaded Madalyn and Samwise’s room the other day, you can look right across to it. Very traumatic. What was Amy thinking! Obviously, I have paid for the overnight FedEx of that Winchester I had previously been discussing. Since I firmly believe that preparation is the key to success, I am educating myself on what it means to be so close to Kentucky. [I was going to say, “A well prepared rabbit is a successful rabbit,” but adjusted in light of the overall subject matter.]

First of all, Rabbithash is small – so I think I could take ‘um.

Secondly, the mayor is a dog. Actually, it’s their second dog mayor in a row which tells you two things about the human residents. We all know that rabbits are smarter than dogs, so if the dogs are literally running the executive branch of this town, that doesn’t speak very well of the humans. Additionally, these humans have a strange, possibly psychotic obsession with us animals. I think it is cause for grave concern.

In looking more deeply into the entire matter of Kentucky I find that, while it may have its strong points (anyone out there ever tasted this “blue grass” and, if so, please report back) it also is home to the Creation Museum. In fact, one has to pass this ludicrous place when traveling from here to Rabbithash. A trip which I, of course, will never be making. The Creation Museum was founded by humans who are trying to “prove” that the earth is only 6000 years old. I do not find this either insane or dim, I find it to be purposefully ignorant, a state for which there is no excuse. If humans ever stop to wonder why they seem to be moving backwards while we bunnies continue to evolve, it would be because we aren’t wasting our time trying to prove a fairy tale. Bunnies deal in reality. It’s something one learns quickly as a young bun. Basically, at the very same time our mother is teaching us about the “food chain” – as in “everyone eats bunnies, bunnies don’t eat anyone.” Now, I’ll grant you, how each one of us chooses to live is our own individual choice. Some perfectly nice buns I have known have elected to live their lives from a place of fear. Some poor bunnies have had the necessity of fear forced upon them due to conditions generated by cruel humans. Still others have emerged from such circumstances with a clear understanding that fear may be what keep them alive during an immediate crisis but it is no way to live an entire life.

I, obviously, subscribe to the “No Fear” school but Samwise is a perfect example of a bun who has survived Kentucky-based adversity. Sam was in a small hutch, in Kentucky, with four other bunnies all of whom were very nearly abused and starved to death. One of Sam’s friends, in fact, did not survive. It took the good humans nearly a year to nurse Sam back to health. He is now a lovely, glossy boy who spends his days relaxing and snuggling with Madalyn. Sam is easy-going and was very pleasant to me when we met but he is quite afraid of most people. I find this to be a reasonable compromise. Such a sweet rabbit, nearly murdered in Kentucky, has earned the right to be cautious.

I asked Sam what he thought about being just a hop, skip and a jump from Rabbithash. He assures me that he’s keeping an ear cocked and always sleeps with one eye open. I loaned him my Winchester catalog.

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The thing about being a Famous Disapproving Rabbit is that periodically one simply must approve of something or the human staff loses heart and stops trying with their every breath to curry your favor. With this in mind, I have decided to approve of grapes. I was suspicious at first. Afterall, a grape does look and smell a bit odd and one never knows if the staff just popped a bit of poison in it so that they can live large on bunny money for a year. However, I looked across the room and the other bunnies seemed to be just thrilled with the whole grape thing so I decided to give it a whirl and, what do you know, I approve. My grape was excellent. It was prepared perfectly, they call it “grape on the half shell,” and I plan to order it again in the future.

Something else I have found I approve of – guns. Oh, I know what you are thinking and believe me, I agree with you. Humans can’t be trusted with guns. As best I can tell they actually are so ignorant that they usually use them to shoot each other. When they aren’t doing that they apparently do something they refer to as “hunting” which, as I understand it, involves going out into the woods with a massively over designed weapon to shoot completely unarmed herbivores. Ridiculous. As if the gigantic planet-killing cattle industry wasn’t enough meat for these people. Have they ever even looked at their teeth? They have a couple of general tearing teeth in the front, just like bunnies do (but not as sharp – tee hee) and then in the back they have a whole bunch of grinding teeth, again, just like bunnies. In between that they have one tooth on each side, top and bottom, for pointed tearing. All those cows, pigs, sheep and this whole “hunting” thing for four teeth! Really! Get serious people! Trust me, you don’t need to eat meat to be feared. Two words – Monty Python. That’s all I’m sayin’ people.

But back to my subject…guns. You know why I like them? Because a stupid human hunter (I’m sorry, I know that was a redundant phrase) was out with his dog in someplace called Lyngdal, Norway to hunt, you guessed it, rabbits. The hunter set down the gun and the dog “accidentally” pulled the trigger, shooting the hunter. Unfortunately, the man was only injured a little bit. Fortunately, the rabbits saw the whole thing and immediately obtained a mail order assault rifle. [I got my information from a man named Dave Berry, who I am certain is reporting with complete accuracy and is a genius…for a human that is.] I, myself, have been closely studying my new Winchester catalog and I have pretty well decided on the Model 70 Extreme Weather SS. So just to be clear, since I know some of you are a bit dim, I disapprove of guns for all humans but approve of arming rabbits.

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Never let it be said that I am not a traditionalist. Oh, I’m all for the indoor plumbing/litter boxes and, of course, I simply insist upon central heat and air, but at my core, I’m a traditional bunny. Which is why I have decided to plan my escape using a classic technique. I’m going to tunnel my way out of this Victorian hell. I worked at it for several hours, on and off, today. Damn the idiot who put hardwood floors in this place. What were they thinking?!? THUMP! I’ll keep you posted on my progress. Once I’m out of here it’s just a quick call to the Bunderground Railroad and I’m back in Indianapolis! I’ve heard good things about the new airport and as long as I’m not in one of those humiliating pet carriers, who is going to notice one bunny on an entire airplane? Ireland here I come!

Arliss and dinner.

Arliss comments on the lateness of her dinner service.

Yesterday. I promised you more detail on the meals here and in addition to being a traditionalist, I am a bun of my word so here’s the scoop. Basically, the menu is excellent but the service is crap. Everything is prepared and served nicely and I have yet to suffer from the embarrassment of poopy tail but my dinner arrived very late last night. Hurrumph! Clover, who eats almost all the time and, thus, invariably talks with his mouth full, tells me that this is normal. I was quite expressive on the subject last night so we will see if my efforts have made a difference. Seriously, what else could this staff possibly be doing for all those hours they aren’t feeding me?

Oh, and about Mia and Clover – he seems very nice. He spends lots of time all stretched out along the fence with his relaxed happy feet and showing off his perfect, white rex coat. I would say that he has a bit of a big head except that it is just the opposite. According to Mia, he put on weight this past year so his head actually looks a tad small. I plan to tease him about this mercilessly. The staff calls him Clover the Annoying, though I have yet to see even one small reason why. He seems perfectly within his rights to keep them on their toes. I approve entirely. Mia, which, as I understand it, is short for Mi’Amore, isn’t especially good company. I could tell, right away when I arrived, that there was a third bunny living here up until just recently. I am told that her name was Moesha and she was Mia’s best friend for ten years. Mia is having a hard time without her. I told her I knew how she was feeling because I too have lost my best friend. I explained that she should suck it up and get on with the making me feel welcome. You see… I am trying.

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Days 1 & 2

Well isn’t this just grand. Here I am, a perfectly spectacular bunny just beginning my active elderbun years and I find myself in this fix. My human staff, who I have been training for the better part of ten years has had the nerve to take a posting in Ireland for a year and has left me with substitute staff. Let me be the first to say, everything about this is wrong.

First of all, I can accept that the trip to Ireland would be trying and something called quarantine would be really horrible (and much too long) but has anyone ever seen a photo of Ireland that didn’t feature loads of green grass?!? Clearly, this is a place I would appreciate but instead I have been relegated to spending a year in a not entirely rehabed Victorian in Rising Sun, Indiana. If you are wondering where that is, get a map of the United States, find the Middle of Nowhere and look just to the right. Now, you’ve got it. They are in Ireland and I am in someplace you can’t even see on your map. You would be pissed too.

In response to this thoughtless slight, I have decided to post a blog documenting my thrilling year just to the right of Nowhere. Perhaps a few initial facts are in order. I am a ten-year old lop rabbit and because my staff are properly educated members of the House Rabbit Society (www.rabbit.org) I live inside where I am safe, properly fed, utilize a litter box and have maximum access to my staff. I am spayed (no cancer for me!) and, in my particular case, have had several other surgeries to deal with some unfortunate abscesses that ultimately caused my surgeon to have to remove my four front teeth. While this would be a debilitating problem for many bunnies, for me it simply means that my personal chef provides my daily salads, mini carrot and hay all cut up into small pieces so that I can easily manage my meals. I’ll have more to say on the subject of meals in this and later blogs since mealtime is one of the highlights of this or any day. Finally, I should state, without prevarication, that I am not one of those meek, sweet, quite bunnies. No sirree! I’m a loud and proud bitch of a bunny who has earned my reputation boxing ankles and communicating my frequent displeasure with a forceful thump accompanied by a meaningful glare. I’m what the bunny appreciative humans refer to as a feisty bun. So there.

To conclude this first blog, I’ll take a quick run at just a few of the many other things that are wrong. Everything, for instance, smells wrong. The dog is entirely wrong. The one they have here is large, has curly fur and is pumpkin colored all over. Clearly, wrong. I’ve already mentioned the new staff and I have to say that my old ones were so much better. They already knew just what I wanted and when to have it ready for me. This new staff does everything at the wrong times. THUMP! The lack of proper housing is truly unacceptable. I have been allotted a small (borrowed) hut which is really quite marginal. Apparently I am awaiting the arrival of something called a Maze Haven (from BusyBunny.com) but that remains to be seen and surely should have been ordered prior to my arrival. THUMP!

The only bits of good news are that the other two bunnies in the room, Mia and Clover, seem polite enough (more on them another day) and the food has been pretty good. I especially enjoyed the Brussels sprout and the kale. In closing, I will say that I am trying to be patient which, I think, is more than anyone could or should expect from me.

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