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Posts Tagged ‘Arliss’

Taking Unsociability to the Social Masses

Posted in Approval, Disapproval, tagged , , , , , , , , on Tuesday, 29 June 2010| 5 Comments »

As you, my followers, will recall, my last blog contained a poll and from this poll I learned two important things:  first, the blame rests squarely on the blueberries and second, I am taking over the world. In regard to the former, I should have suspected the evil berries at the outset but they wooed me with their yummieness and, disguised in those little blue jackets, they didn’t seem like they could possibly be at fault. Upon taking a second look (and after drying off *grumble*) it is clear to me that they were of ill intent from the outset. Lesson learned.

You may be wondering, as followers are wont to do, what I mean when I say I am taking over the world. Two words, “social media.” My insistence that my staff provide the resources necessary to connect me to the social masses means that there is now a practically infinite number of bunnies and humans who can readily be exposed to my every thought and comment on all the many things of which I disapprove.

Arliss' Bunspace Badge

Arliss' Bunspace Badge

Just this past weekend, I committed myself to sharing my wisdom on Twitter (ArlissBunny) and I am experimenting with Bunsapce. I am entertained by the fact that my secretary has been tweeting for something like a year and has only thirty-five followers while I have been actively tweeting for three days and already have thirty. I anticipate crushing her in the coming days. Bunsapce seems a bit froofy for me but a number of interesting resources are available there and I do like seeing pictures of all the bunnies and reading their stories.

On social media, a few general remarks are in order:

Twitter: I positively and without reservation HATE the World Cup for screwing up Twitter beyond all recognition. Equally to blame is Twitter for not knowing that little tiny birds can’t carry whales. If that’s your plan folks, try again. You and BP apparently went to the same school for contingency planning.

Additionally, while looking around on Twitter, I learned that I am definitely a liberal. This determination was made based upon the fact that I am a vegan, against human overpopulation of the planet, blame all environmental woes on humans and am pro gun control, though I still stick with the stance I espoused in my earlier blog, “Approval, Grapes and Guns.” The humans who provide my staff services do not necessarily support all of my opinions but that is to be expected. They aren’t really all that bright, after all.

The other thing I find about Twitter is that it creates in me an urge to pontificate on all manner of things about which I, basically, know nothing, like today’s SCOTUS decision on patent law. I’m my own best creation and I can’t be replicated, so why would I give a flying flip kick about patent law? Twitter is subversive that way.

Bunspace: Bunspace is a whole different warren of bunnies. Instead of being filled with all the sports and political crazies, Bunspace is chockfull of bunny crazies. Ok, I consider this an improvement but still, virtual carrots? I don’t get it.

And here’s the last take away on what I have derived from my experience thus far with social media:  nearly seventy humans took my poll. Seriously, people, nearly seventy of you cared enough to take a poll on what or who was to blame for poopy butt. Doesn’t this cause you worry for your species? I know it does me. Never-the-less, I’m planning to ride my fame to its zenieth, utilize my following to subvert the ruling class and then take over the world. Arliss, out.

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The Incident

Posted in Disapproval, tagged , , , , on Sunday, 13 June 2010| 8 Comments »

It’s so horrible. I can barely bring myself to tell you about The Incident. There I was, out minding my own business, hoping through my kingdom when, suddenly, events overtook me. Actually, I seem to have hopped ahead of myself.

Let’s begin with who is at fault. First of all, of course, Amy (of Gripping Commentary fame) for taking away my primary means of self-expression and clean-up. Even if everything had still happened just as it did, at the very minimum I could have made my rather extreme thoughts on the matter known. Second, my current staff, who just wandered off and left the door to Clover and Mia’s area open thinking they were “just going to be gone for a few minutes.” Seriously! Like that was responsible behavior? Finally, I blame Clover and Mia for being at the far end of their area, standing there and just letting it all happen. Thanks, you two, we will be taking this up after I have fully recovered.

Anyway, back to my story. There they were, six blueberries, lying a few inches inside the door, cut in half and prepared precisely as they should have been – blueberries on the half-shell. There was no one anywhere near them. They had been there for nearly three minutes and I was certain they were going to wilt before Clover bothered to hop himself across to eat them. (Even if Mia had come over in time, she would only have had one or two halves. She’s careful that way.) Obviously, this was a tragedy in the making and I was the only one there with any hope of saving the situation. I did what any respectable bunny would do, I hopped in and ate all six berries. I have to tell you, it was close but I managed it, not a single berry wilted.

Of course, at that very moment, my staff returned, there were loud exclamations and I found myself being hoisted, very unceremoniously, up into the air as if it were I who had been in error. (I refer you again to paragraph two, above, if you have any questions regarding fault.) I was returned to my own space and, get this, the two blueberries which had been left for me were actually removed! (Very rude if you ask me.)

All of this leads us up to last night when…I’m searching for the right words…the worst disaster involving my tail which can possibly be imagined. Suffice to say that seventy minutes of bathing and clipping took place. Bathing…with a sprayer hose! BATHING! And I can’t even go into the fur-cut that came out of it all. There’s just no amount of personal grooming that is going to make this alright. *thump* *Thump* *THUMP*

Now that you know the story, and in light of all the horror, I have decided to take a poll so that blame can be properly assigned. You are welcome to vote as many times as you like.


In conclusion, I know that there are those, Mia included, who view this as a matter of karma and that may be so but if it is, karma isn’t a bitch, it’s definitely a blueberry. *thump*

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Disapproving Observations

Posted in Disapproval, tagged , , , , on Monday, 7 June 2010| 2 Comments »

1. Your wearing of the black dress slacks is NOT MY PROBLEM! *thump* Like all bunnies, I reserve the right not only to be covered in fur at all times but to release my fur whenever I see fit. Your slacks seem like the perfect opportunity for self-expression. My suggestions are to a) carry a lint roller 24/7, b) wear jeans or c) go naked. What ever you do, however, I insist that you never, ever, under any conditions, imply that the fur thing is a bunny problem. Bunnies have no problem with fur. The fur thing is a human problem.

2. My name is Arliss and I am a GIRL. Use of male pronouns is not appreciated. Just because my slave name is considered a “male” name by some uneducated fools does not mean that I should accept such insult without thumping. *thump!*

3. So, I was watching the news the other day, because it was on in the front room while I was hopping through, and I have to say you humans just really don’t have a clue. The oil thing in the Gulf is another perfect example of massive human hubris. *thump* When will you get it? Having opposable thumbs and large brains doesn’t give you the right to do what ever you want. What they give you is the burden of having to be responsible for your actions. One way or another, the Earth will have its way and you better not screw anything else up for bunnies! (Or whales since, I have to admit, I kind of approve of whales.)

4. How long can one complete gutting of the entire second floor of a house and full remodel take?!?! As I understand it, it will be at least another month before I can move back upstairs into the new rooms. *thump* What is it with contractor time? Is it like dog years?!?! David – any input here?

Does contractor time equal dog years?

A question from an inconvenienced bunny.

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Arliss Caesar

Posted in Approval, Disapproval, tagged , , , , , , on Tuesday, 1 June 2010| 2 Comments »

It is incumbent upon me, as a prime representative of my species, to continue to drive us forward, to seek new horizons, to conquer new lands and then to rule over them with an iron paw. This I have done. Here, in Just to the Right of Nowhere, I have expanded the borders of my lands to include the ENTIRE first floor of the house (well, except for that one un-renovated room which doesn’t have air conditioning and is uncomfortably warm this time of year.) I have navigated the furthest reaches of the parlor, front room, laundry porch, master bath, kitchen and the dining room. I own them. Those that live there do so by my leave. I am considering raising taxes.

The most difficult challenge was facing down the large, vicious predator who roams these lands. They call her “Eleanor” and you can tell just by looking at her that she is a killer. You laugh, but her tail can really knock you upside the head. I, of course, am clever enough to duck and keep my ears down. Also, she licked me a once, just a little, and that took HOURS to groom off. Ewwwwwwwwwww!

Eleanor

Eleanor the Goldendoodle

My favorite thing to do during my perambulations around my estates is to hide behind the couches or under chairs. This drives the staff crazy and has resulted in several lengthy searches all of which I consider terribly entertaining and the cherry on top of my day.

Arliss Dines

Dinner is served.

Speaking of cherries, I have found that I approve of both cherries and raspberries though I should say that in the singular because if I have more than one it leads to an unfortunate situation involving my tail which I prefer to avoid. Just last night I was offered some beet leaf and I am taking it under advisement. My usual dinner salad includes cilantro, parsley, kale, endive, Brussels sprout, escarole, green leaf lettuce and Boston lettuce with a mini-carrot appetizer and Bunny Basics-T for dessert. All three courses are paired with a lovely soft water which I very much enjoy. I’m looking forward to the dandelion and other treats that come along with summer salads. The staff here prepares all my salads especially for me by chopping everything up into small pieces so that I can pick them up with my lips and chew them with my back teeth. Not having any front teeth is something of which I very much disapprove as I would be using them not only to eat but to express my disapproval at critical times.

Arliss explores.

Arliss conquers new lands.

(more…)

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I’m Back and as Disapproving as Ever

Posted in Approval, Disapproval, tagged , , , on Tuesday, 18 May 2010| 3 Comments »

There aren’t enough thumps in the world to express how incensed I am about the inability of my current staff to manage time in such a way as to be able to get my latest missive posted. It’s almost as if they have something more important to do! *aggravated ear shake*

Mia, who kindly agreed to assist me in improving my thump.

I should tell you that I have not just been sitting idly by during my absence from the web and while it may appear, based upon past posts, that I think overly highly of myself and diminish everyone else, I must assure you that this is not the case. In fact, late in March I discovered that I had a fault. It was, admittedly, a harrowing realization and an area which I immediately moved to correct. It all started one day when I was minding my own business and borrowing some hay from the other side of the fence. Mia, who happens to live on the other side, took notice and firmly thumped me. I was shocked. Shocked, I say! This was not because of the thump itself but rather its volume and timbre. Mia, who is half my size, put out a thump bigger than any rabbit I have ever heard. The floor literally shook. The humans downstairs jumped. It was the single most impressive disapproval I had ever heard. I was in awe. I simply HAD to learn how she did it.

I was in awe.

With the understanding that I would no longer use her hay for my own purposes, Mia agreed to give me thumping lessons. We started later that day and worked on it over the next week with excellent result. First she would thump then I would try to replicate her technique, then she would go again and then me. We would go back and forth for fifteen or twenty minutes at a time and I must say that my hard work really paid off. I have adjusted my angle of attack and timing just enough to really maximize the velocity and consequent volume of my thumps. I feel I can now say that my shortcoming has been addressed and I can move on with a pristine slate.

The thing about self-improvement is that it really gets one to thinking. Doing all that work on thumping did allow me to recognize that I had my own gifts in that area. I have genuinely excellent rhythm. I have always been artistic, having nibbled many articles on the subject. Additionally, I have always been into interior decoration, putting my personal stamp on every place I have ever lived. It was not, however, until I became focused on my thumping that I realized that I am a musician as well. With the stark realization of my own musical gifts laid right at my paws, I immediately called upon my contacts and went into the studio. The result is my first single,  Hate on Me.  For those of you without the musical ear or facility, my thumping begins several bars into the piece. I feature a double and occasionally a triple thump in addition to my exceptional single thump work. I must say that I am thrilled with the efforts of all of my backing musicians though I am unhappy with the mix because I feel the singer has been brought to the forefront making the less sophisticated listener work harder to hear me. (I have already spoken with my agent about it and I am assured that future releases will not have this problem.)

I find the lyrics to this piece particularly moving because they express my feeling that I don’t really give a flying thump what anyone else thinks. I hope you enjoy it but, of course, if you don’t that’s your problem.

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Day 11 – Approval, Grapes and Guns

Posted in Approval, Disapproval, tagged , , , , , on Thursday, 11 March 2010| 3 Comments »

The thing about being a Famous Disapproving Rabbit is that periodically one simply must approve of something or the human staff loses heart and stops trying with their every breath to curry your favor. With this in mind, I have decided to approve of grapes. I was suspicious at first. Afterall, a grape does look and smell a bit odd and one never knows if the staff just popped a bit of poison in it so that they can live large on bunny money for a year. However, I looked across the room and the other bunnies seemed to be just thrilled with the whole grape thing so I decided to give it a whirl and, what do you know, I approve. My grape was excellent. It was prepared perfectly, they call it “grape on the half shell,” and I plan to order it again in the future.

Something else I have found I approve of – guns. Oh, I know what you are thinking and believe me, I agree with you. Humans can’t be trusted with guns. As best I can tell they actually are so ignorant that they usually use them to shoot each other. When they aren’t doing that they apparently do something they refer to as “hunting” which, as I understand it, involves going out into the woods with a massively over designed weapon to shoot completely unarmed herbivores. Ridiculous. As if the gigantic planet-killing cattle industry wasn’t enough meat for these people. Have they ever even looked at their teeth? They have a couple of general tearing teeth in the front, just like bunnies do (but not as sharp – tee hee) and then in the back they have a whole bunch of grinding teeth, again, just like bunnies. In between that they have one tooth on each side, top and bottom, for pointed tearing. All those cows, pigs, sheep and this whole “hunting” thing for four teeth! Really! Get serious people! Trust me, you don’t need to eat meat to be feared. Two words – Monty Python. That’s all I’m sayin’ people.

But back to my subject…guns. You know why I like them? Because a stupid human hunter (I’m sorry, I know that was a redundant phrase) was out with his dog in someplace called Lyngdal, Norway to hunt, you guessed it, rabbits. The hunter set down the gun and the dog “accidentally” pulled the trigger, shooting the hunter. Unfortunately, the man was only injured a little bit. Fortunately, the rabbits saw the whole thing and immediately obtained a mail order assault rifle. [I got my information from a man named Dave Berry, who I am certain is reporting with complete accuracy and is a genius…for a human that is.] I, myself, have been closely studying my new Winchester catalog and I have pretty well decided on the Model 70 Extreme Weather SS. So just to be clear, since I know some of you are a bit dim, I disapprove of guns for all humans but approve of arming rabbits.

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Day 3 – A Plan Emerges

Posted in Disapproval, tagged , , , , , on Tuesday, 2 March 2010| 3 Comments »

Never let it be said that I am not a traditionalist. Oh, I’m all for the indoor plumbing/litter boxes and, of course, I simply insist upon central heat and air, but at my core, I’m a traditional bunny. Which is why I have decided to plan my escape using a classic technique. I’m going to tunnel my way out of this Victorian hell. I worked at it for several hours, on and off, today. Damn the idiot who put hardwood floors in this place. What were they thinking?!? THUMP! I’ll keep you posted on my progress. Once I’m out of here it’s just a quick call to the Bunderground Railroad and I’m back in Indianapolis! I’ve heard good things about the new airport and as long as I’m not in one of those humiliating pet carriers, who is going to notice one bunny on an entire airplane? Ireland here I come!

Arliss and dinner.

Arliss comments on the lateness of her dinner service.

Yesterday. I promised you more detail on the meals here and in addition to being a traditionalist, I am a bun of my word so here’s the scoop. Basically, the menu is excellent but the service is crap. Everything is prepared and served nicely and I have yet to suffer from the embarrassment of poopy tail but my dinner arrived very late last night. Hurrumph! Clover, who eats almost all the time and, thus, invariably talks with his mouth full, tells me that this is normal. I was quite expressive on the subject last night so we will see if my efforts have made a difference. Seriously, what else could this staff possibly be doing for all those hours they aren’t feeding me?

Oh, and about Mia and Clover – he seems very nice. He spends lots of time all stretched out along the fence with his relaxed happy feet and showing off his perfect, white rex coat. I would say that he has a bit of a big head except that it is just the opposite. According to Mia, he put on weight this past year so his head actually looks a tad small. I plan to tease him about this mercilessly. The staff calls him Clover the Annoying, though I have yet to see even one small reason why. He seems perfectly within his rights to keep them on their toes. I approve entirely. Mia, which, as I understand it, is short for Mi’Amore, isn’t especially good company. I could tell, right away when I arrived, that there was a third bunny living here up until just recently. I am told that her name was Moesha and she was Mia’s best friend for ten years. Mia is having a hard time without her. I told her I knew how she was feeling because I too have lost my best friend. I explained that she should suck it up and get on with the making me feel welcome. You see… I am trying.

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Days 1 & 2

Posted in Disapproval, tagged , , , , , , on Tuesday, 2 March 2010| 2 Comments »

Well isn’t this just grand. Here I am, a perfectly spectacular bunny just beginning my active elderbun years and I find myself in this fix. My human staff, who I have been training for the better part of ten years has had the nerve to take a posting in Ireland for a year and has left me with substitute staff. Let me be the first to say, everything about this is wrong.

First of all, I can accept that the trip to Ireland would be trying and something called quarantine would be really horrible (and much too long) but has anyone ever seen a photo of Ireland that didn’t feature loads of green grass?!? Clearly, this is a place I would appreciate but instead I have been relegated to spending a year in a not entirely rehabed Victorian in Rising Sun, Indiana. If you are wondering where that is, get a map of the United States, find the Middle of Nowhere and look just to the right. Now, you’ve got it. They are in Ireland and I am in someplace you can’t even see on your map. You would be pissed too.

In response to this thoughtless slight, I have decided to post a blog documenting my thrilling year just to the right of Nowhere. Perhaps a few initial facts are in order. I am a ten-year old lop rabbit and because my staff are properly educated members of the House Rabbit Society (www.rabbit.org) I live inside where I am safe, properly fed, utilize a litter box and have maximum access to my staff. I am spayed (no cancer for me!) and, in my particular case, have had several other surgeries to deal with some unfortunate abscesses that ultimately caused my surgeon to have to remove my four front teeth. While this would be a debilitating problem for many bunnies, for me it simply means that my personal chef provides my daily salads, mini carrot and hay all cut up into small pieces so that I can easily manage my meals. I’ll have more to say on the subject of meals in this and later blogs since mealtime is one of the highlights of this or any day. Finally, I should state, without prevarication, that I am not one of those meek, sweet, quite bunnies. No sirree! I’m a loud and proud bitch of a bunny who has earned my reputation boxing ankles and communicating my frequent displeasure with a forceful thump accompanied by a meaningful glare. I’m what the bunny appreciative humans refer to as a feisty bun. So there.

To conclude this first blog, I’ll take a quick run at just a few of the many other things that are wrong. Everything, for instance, smells wrong. The dog is entirely wrong. The one they have here is large, has curly fur and is pumpkin colored all over. Clearly, wrong. I’ve already mentioned the new staff and I have to say that my old ones were so much better. They already knew just what I wanted and when to have it ready for me. This new staff does everything at the wrong times. THUMP! The lack of proper housing is truly unacceptable. I have been allotted a small (borrowed) hut which is really quite marginal. Apparently I am awaiting the arrival of something called a Maze Haven (from BusyBunny.com) but that remains to be seen and surely should have been ordered prior to my arrival. THUMP!

The only bits of good news are that the other two bunnies in the room, Mia and Clover, seem polite enough (more on them another day) and the food has been pretty good. I especially enjoyed the Brussels sprout and the kale. In closing, I will say that I am trying to be patient which, I think, is more than anyone could or should expect from me.

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