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Posts Tagged ‘Arliss’

Rabbits are, by nature, prey animals and trust me when I tell you that it is a difficult cross to bear. As such, it has taken untold generations of my kind to evolve into a rabbit, like myself, who is entirely capable of managing a household of predators (ie dogs and humans) for my benefit and to do my bidding. So hear me when I tell you, we don’t get it. Why would a human as powerful as the President of the United States or the most numerous political party, the Democrats, relinquish power as if it was a simple thing to get it back?

Touching John in the Naughty Place

Is it possible that these “leaders,” and here I will use that term in the loosest possible way, are thinking that the pendulum will swing back, that the conservative tide will crest, fall and some sort of sanity will be restored? Have they not been paying attention! The Tea Party crazies have been making John Boehner look like a centrist.  I will remind you that I predicted this  (see “John ‘Cheeto’ Boehner Has a Problem“) well before the last election. John Boehner has found himself having to work with actual Democrats, just to keep the doors of government open. It probably makes him feel like he has been touched in the naughty place. Poor John. I digress (and laugh, but that’s just me). What Democrats have failed, either purposefully or not, to notice is that there won’t be much left of their party or anyone with the ability to make a change, unless they start to stem the tide now.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about dealing with the Tea Party. Those idiots will flame out in a blaze that will probably be attributed to lighting their own farts on fire. I’m talking about the people who paid for the party, Tea or otherwise. Corporations have won the right, confirmed by the Supreme Court, to buy elections. This is easily seen in the results from the 2010 election cycle. See here and here if you aren’t following me. People, 40% of all the outside money spent on the 2010 election cycle was made possible by the Citizens United ruling. That’s $186 million dollars! Those of you who have walked through the fires of Fundraising Hell know that’s one heck of a bake sale and what was sold wasn’t brownies, it was our government. How do we know this? Because they have worked so very hard to prove it during this recent, manufactured, budget “crisis.”

Meaning, Not You

Humans – I will use very small words here so that you cannot fail to understand. It was never about the budget, it was only about power for those with incomes in the top 1%, meaning not you. I’m going to sit here and munch on some grape stem while you re-read that however many times it takes for it to sink in… … … ….

Oh, you can attend a Tea Party rally, march with your misspelled sign and shout some slogan that references an historical event or movement of which you have no educated understanding but not one wit of the beneficial changes in the budget will be felt by you. No, what 99% of Americans will feel will be all the things that flow from underfunding programs upon which the less fortunate rely and by “less fortunate” I mean everyone not in the 1%.

I’ll give you some examples:

  • the top 1% can afford to hire a personal courier to deliver their mail, can you?
  • the top 1% don’t need farm subsidies, though many of them take them, can the same be said for the average farm family?
  • the top 1% can afford top-notch fire suppression and burglar systems throughout all of their homes so they are perhaps not as reliant on the first responders they have cut back; how about you?
  • the top 1% can afford to pay for 100% of their health care directly out of their pocket, for the rest of their lives, without risking their home no matter what illness befalls them; you?
  • the top 1% send their children to private schools from pre-school through university, their children never need a government backed loan or scholarship and neither do they – also, they don’t give a heck about the quality of public schools because their children aren’t there; you?
  • the top 1% already have the whole retirement thing completely under control; you?

Yeah – that’s what I thought.

Oh – and one more little thing, when the top 1% is using the Tea Party as their meat puppets to push through tax cuts for… you guessed it, the top 1% – it might behoove our Democratic leaders and President to stand up and shout that TARP AND the auto-industry bail-out AND oil company sibsidies AND, in fact, the entire corporate tax structure, already functions as their tax break. …and where, exactly is the trickle down from that? Oh, never mind, I found it.  It’s right there in my litterbox. *blush*

But shouting isn’t the way of our “leaders.” They think it makes them look too crazy. Meanwhile, Michelle Bachman actually says, out loud, that because so many courts are disagreeing with her, Congress should strip federal judges of the right to hear marriage-equality cases. STILL, our “leaders” sit quietly by while those of you who are ill go to the gallows of no health care and those of you who are healthy are headed, via the worst of usury practices by financial institutions and abuse by corporations, for bondage. And not the fun kind.

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It would be polite of me to say that my year spent in Just to the Right of Nowhere was lovely and that I appreciate everything done for me by my temporary staff but why start lying now? I have returned to my home in the capital city, Indianapolis, and I am damn glad to be here. When my Chief of Staff arrived in JttRoN she did bring gifts. It wasn’t enough to make up for her having gone, without me, to Ireland for a YEAR but I loved the dandelion. I noticed, however, that there was reticence to give me more than two blueberries-on-the-half-shell at a time. Apparently, my previous blog on the subject had an impact.

Clover did move with me. I was a widow when I was sent into exile and he became a widower while I was stuck in JttRoN so we naturally gravitated together. As one would expect, he worships me. Having him here has helped to make some of the changes easier.

On the first day, we decorated.

His grooming gets better all the time. I don't like to reciprocate.

Speaking of changes, do you know what they have in Ireland? They have greyhounds. Do you know how I know this? Because they now have one fewer. How do I know this seemingly obscure fact? Because that one lives here now!!! It’s name is Emmy. It’s big. And irritating. It keeps sniffing me…with an accent. Thump!

Are you SERIOUS?

Of course when I told the beasts to scram, they did.

I am trying to be accepting but I have to tell you, gentle reader, it’s hard.  Still, in my eleven years as a wise and disapproving rabbit I have never found bigotry to be right or just or moral or even economically viable.  I have only ever found it to be mean.

Here’s the thing – I disapprove of Emmy when she sniffs my tail but I disapprove of anyone who sniffs my tail. Period. No exceptions. (This means YOU.) In Indiana the State Legislature just spent most of the legislative session bickering about the subject of gay marriage. They came down against it because it is the firm belief of the Republican Party that staying in power is more important than doing what is right.

The Republican Party has mastered the art of championing fear* and riding that fear to victory. The key, of course, is never to focus on anything that is a genuine threat. As long as Republicans can keep their core whipped up about things that don’t matter (or can’t be solved by legislation) than they can lie at will because emotions are rarely centered on facts. This means that they expend their energy around issues like gay marriage, abortion, illegal immigration and guns instead of the kinds of core issues that build or maintain a successful nation including:  education, infrastructure, sustainable economic growth, long-term environmental issues, health care (including cost management, liability limitations, drug costs and pharmaceutical development costs, well care/preventative care etc), resource management and the military (including support of underlying technologies and industries).

Humans – there are BIG issues and BIG problems. Gay marriage is not one of them but bigotry is. Bigotry towers for the simple reason that either we believe that we are ALL valuable and all of us are needed to solve the real problems or we believe that the world really is about us and them. For you bigots who haven’t yet figured it out, unless your last name is Koch or Murdoch, you aren’t one of those “us.” Those “us” will eventually turn on you too because they only care about one thing and, trust me, it isn’t you.

So, the Republicans in Indiana have cast their votes in favor of  bigotry. It’s embarrassing. It’s wrong. It’s mean. Even disapproving rabbits know it. Step up, humans. Don’t just sit in your hutches and thump. DO SOMETHING. Next time the news is covering the “voice of the people” make sure it is your voice. Stop letting yourself be represented or intimidated or out maneuvered by homophobes and fear-driven fools. If you don’t know what to do or how to be of help, go here, the Human Rights Campaign is a great place to start.

Don’t just complain on Facebook. Don’t just make wry observations on Twitter. Don’t just be thoughtful, Work for change. Stupid is never the answer but sometimes polite isn’t either. Make noise. Thump!

[*Whereas the Democratic Party has utterly failed in this regard. We can’t even manage to effectively message real threats. It’s humiliating.]

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Yes, I have been off-line for over two months. It wasn’t planned this way but I won’t put up with any more whining. Human-up, people!  I feel confident that those of you who have been on a hunger strike, in a desperate effort to get me to blog again, will recover. Most of you needed to lose some weight anyway. To those who might not survive despite the IVs which were ultimately forced upon you, I would thank you for your sacrifice if I didn’t think you were such idiots. Anyway, I have very little time right now since I am setting up housekeeping in a new area this week. I will just hit the highlights.

1. I had surgery on my mouth again and, as usual, it was awful. For the surgery I had to wake up at 4AM and ride in my carrier for three hours until we got to the specialist. He teaches at OSU and is supposed to be one of the best in the country for such things. He seemed nice enough and thought the world of me. While I was lucky that I did not have to stay overnight, another three hours in the carrier when I was still in a post-surgical haze made for a very long day. I’m being carted back to the doctor again next week for yet another follow-up. How is it that humans can’t get the surgeries and the irritating medicine to work right the first time and then have the gall to make their failings into my problem. Regardless, I am eating well and have allowed nothing to come between me and my evening carrot.

2. Mia, the elder-bun who had been living next to me since I was exiled to the Middle of Nowhere, passed away. She and I had become friends through the fence so I was sad to see her go. I ate very little salad that night and was quiet for a few days. This, however, was nothing in comparison to the grief felt by Clover, Mia’s bonded friend bunny. I know just how he felt since I have lost a dear bonded friend as well. Mia was once ill and was away for a few months. Clover greeted her joyously when she returned. Sometimes I think he is still waiting for her to come back. It’s something in the way he looks when he goes to sit in the place where he used to snuggle with her the most. I will always be grateful to Mia for the help she gave me with my thumping. Since working with her I learned to optimize my thump and am able to express my disapproval just that much more clearly. (Being clear with humans is helpful since they are so very dim.)

3. After an appropriate mourning period and, perhaps, in response to our shared experience, Clover and I have, just recently, officially bonded. I sent out the announcement today on Twitter. It’s a mixed bonding. He’s uppy-eared and Annoying while I am a lop and Disapproving. Still, we have been able to forge a path together because he worships me and I approve of being worshipped. With regard to bonding gifts, we have registered at Busy Bunny and Kroger’s (in the produce section.)

4. As for politics, the elections have occurred since I last posted and to say that you American humans are hopeless does not even begin to convey the situation. That you manage to elect people who value myth above science** and who actively, even boldly, put the greed of corporate entities above your own welfare is inexplicable. I actually have quite a lot to say on this subject but not the time to dictate it today. Suffice to say, THUMP! *ear shake* *glare* THUMP!

[**Myth is fine but it’s MYTH. When you can prove it to me, we’ll talk. Otherwise, it’s just a bedtime story you can use and twist to your own devices. I know this is harsh but I’m especially thumped-off right now.]

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While you may be thinking that John “Cheeto” Boehner has nothing more to worry about these days than how he will be redecorating the Speaker’s office to get the Pelosi out of the carpet, let me to assure you, he has MUCH bigger problems. Allow me to explain. Remember earlier this week when you were at the grocery store to purchase a large cart full of wonderful produce to bring home to the bunnies in your life…or something close to that. While you were there a young human started to scream and cry. It didn’t matter the context because it is always the same thing, a single child brews up a tantrum which translates to, “I’m furious because you aren’t paying ALL of your attention to me, Me, ME!” To that child, the world revolves around them and whatever toy or treat they have fixated on at that moment. That child is ruining the shopping experience for everyone else in the store because none of those other people matter. Other people are not a part of that child’s microscopically small, warped universe. Now multiply that child by, say…the Tea Party and you have an idea of ol’ Cheet’s problem. John Boehner has been a bad parent and now he will have to live with the consequences.

I know what you are going to say, “The Tea Party is a grass-roots, populist uprising and in buying it a lollipop, Cheeto is just bowing to the will of the people.” Here’s what a little knowledge of grass (I believe I can be considered a specialist in that field.) and fact-checking* will get you.  As a, granted, self-avowed grass specialist, I know that populist grass is a mess and it isn’t funded by the Koch brothers. The Tea Party, on the other paw, has been heavily funded by major Republican think tanks, activists and donors. It was only made to look amateur by all the nutbars who came along for the ride. Watergate’s Deep Throat had it right all those years ago when he said, “follow the money.” Ol’ Cheeto and his buddies were just pushing the Tea Party around in his shopping cart thinking, “Wow! This is spectacular. TP, here, is giving all these Democrats a whopping headache,” but Cheet failed to notice, there were other people in the store too, namely, Republicans.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. The Democrats are going to lose this next election precisely because they exemplify that which can be found on oh-so-many grassy lawns, a

hot mess |hät mes|
a derogatory term describing a situation, behavior, appearance, etc. that is disastrously bad. Think “faux pas” but times ten. Possible origin is literal (think, steaming dogpile).
“She got up on stage and tried to sing Beyonce’s “Dangerously In Love” but her performance was a hot mess.” – the Urban Dictionary

Cheeto’s problem with the election is that he will actually lose some seats which could well have been won by a sane Republican in the general election because the sane Republican was soundly thumped in the primary. This, of course, is a relief to Harry “Closed the Gap” Reid and Chris “Double-digit Lead” Coons but not-so-much for ol’ Cheeto.

Still, it’s really the post-election nightmare that is keeping Cheeto awake at night. (Well, that and the bright orange glow in the room.) Just this week the Republican Party published their “Pledge to America” which featured, appropriately, their version of America…a whole bunch of white people. Literally. I challenge you to find a photo in the published document that shows otherwise. Of course, they could also have called this the “Dead in the Water Pledge” because the combination of trying to add more than $4 trillion dollars to the deficit and all of the actions which will be over-ridden by a simple veto means that, frankly, NONE of the Pledge will ever see the light of day. However, it will give the Democrats terrific campaign fodder both for this election-cycle (“Everyone repeat after me,  ‘trillion’?!?”) and for the next (the “2012 Do-Nothing Congress”.) The Pledge avoids making any of the genuinely hard decisions it takes to govern a nation. It’s cowboys and red meat and a whole lot of white folks – in other words, it’s a Texas Bbq – and, people, you’ve already been there. Which, is the point the Democrats are FINALLY using to gain a little traction.

Additionally, the Tea Party and its extreme backers will be successful in pushing the Republicans farther to the right than the majority of the Republican Party wants to go. Even the neo-cons (some of which are known to still have brains because just last week a mouse with a neo-con brain was spotted in Delaware) have to know this somewhere down in the heart of their polls and focus groups. I mean, it’s all very well and good for them to allow their Tea Party offspring to be a devolved, eternally angry pile of tantrum but once you are in charge, then you have to govern and the next thing you know, the Tea Party infants will be putting a Hitler-mustache on you. Cheeto is especially worried about this because, you know, orange with a black moustache will either make him look like a die-hard, Who-Dey, Bengals fan or a year-round celebration of Halloween, neither of which will make his party more attractive to voters in 2012.

Oh – and then there’s the government shut-down being threatened by the Tea Party two-year olds and their buddies. Just recently, in an interview, the still wildly popular President Clinton was noting, with glee, how well that worked for the Republican Party in 1995. Don’t think for a minute that ol’ Cheet missed that point.

The last thing that keeps Cheeto from joyfully sucking the juices out of the marrow of the bones of the children from whom he wants to strip health care is the knowledge that moving farther to the right in order to attempt to mollify the never-to-be-satisfied Tea Party is the sure knowledge that the farther he goes the harder he makes it for rational Republican Presidential hopefuls, like Indiana’s Governor, Mitch Daniels, to get elected. The Democrats may be barely as organized as a pile of poop on a nice green lawn but, when energized, there are still more of them and the fastest way to energize the Democrats in 2012 is to live with two years of Tea Party insanity between now and then. Cheeto may seem like a delicious snack and all the rage right now but he isn’t an idiot and I promise you, being awakened several times a night by a screaming kid during the next two years isn’t going to be any fun for him or for us.

Cheeto Boehner

*[Note: if you are from the neo-con media or work for any of the major news outlets, all of which are owned by conservative corporations, “fact-checking” is that suspiciously foreign thing the actual liberal media has been doing for years. For further information go here.]

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I’m sure I at least mentioned it. I’m from Kenya. We know this because I was born in Indiana and I’m a different color than many of you. More to the point, because of my coloring, I have a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. What this means is that if you do not have an accurate predictive model for my behavior unless you have a clear understanding of Kenyan history and politics. Oh, yes, and you need to be a racist. Being a bigot helps but racism is really the handle by which you can carry away this pot. Newt Gingrich and Dinesh D’Souza found me out. Their firm mastery of the racism laid me bare before them.

I must learn to accept the repercussions of being a Kenyan anti-colonialist. Either that or someone needs to teach all these idiots what words mean and I have to tell you, the chances of the latter having any impact at all is about the same as the chances of me turning down my serving of kale leaf tonight. (For those not fortunate enough to live with a Kenyan anti-colonialist rabbit, the odds of kale rejection occurring would be zilch.)

There is an old joke: the UK and the US are two nations divided by one language. An example of this would be as follows:

British, ” I think I’ll knock her up and see if she has a rubber I can borrow.”

American, “I think I’ll call her and see if she has an eraser I can borrow.”

Frankly, it’s funnier when the Brits say it but that’s not my point. It has become clear to me that Americans now fall into three groups divided by a single language. There are those who still use words as they are defined in the dictionary, also known as Democrats; those who use existing words and invent totally unrelated definitions to suit their political ends, also known as Conservative Republicans or the Tea Party; and those who invent their own words from scratch, also known as computer nerds, if you grok my meaning.

For the Conservative Republicans/Tea Party, it works like this:

  1. select a scary sounding word, like “Muslim” or “Kenya” or “Qur’an” or “anti-colonialist”;
  2. attach to it all kinds of racist and bigoted rhetoric that is designed to frighten people remembering that unlike bunnies, humans are at the top of the food-chain but near the bottom of the common sense chain;
  3. know that, historically, identifying with cruelty generally works out, like the fans cheering for Michael Vick this weekend;
  4. make sure that at no time is factual information or factually based educational material allowed to gain a foothold;
  5. dominate the weak-willed, corporate-owned, conservative main-stream media.

So, in a nutshell, that explains why I am both a Kenyan anti-colonialist and a Muslim. My response is this:

People, buy a dictionary! Read a book! Grow some balls! Muslims, Kenya and the Qur’an aren’t the enemy – ignorance is – and vicious, rabbit-eating coyotes. I think we can all agree on that.

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So, during the late summer of 2010 a group of kids were sitting around and one of them said, “Let’s put on a show!” Everyone thought is was a great idea so they cleared out the garage, set up some chairs and off they went…except not…. What really happened is that given the vicious political climate in the late summer of 2010, a group of funny people decided to work together to encourage Stephen Colbert, of “The Colbert Report,” to hold a rally called “Restoring Truthiness.” After about 30,000 other people joined in the effort, they put out a call for correspondents to interview “people and rodents” from across the country about their thoughts on truthiness. Well, as we all know, bunnies are NOT rodents

Rabbits are small mammals in the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, found in several parts of the world. There are seven different genera in the family classified as rabbits, including the European rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus), cottontail rabbits (genus Sylvilagus; 13 species), and the Amami rabbit (Pentalagus furnessi, an endangered species on Amami Ōshima, Japan). There are many other species of rabbit, and these, along with pikas and hares, make up the order Lagomorpha. – Wikipedia

but Arliss, being an intrepid sort of bunny, responded to the call with the courage and gusto befitting a Disapproving Rabbit and was selected as the National Rabbit Truthiness Correspondent. For more on “Restoring Truthiness” visit their website. For more on Arliss read other blog posts further down this page.

Arliss is a bun of VERY strong opinions but she doesn’t mind if your bun has equally strong opinions. Arliss is pro-strong-willed buns. In her role as a correspondent, Arliss has been asked to make a YouTube video in which she interviews other rabbits on their views on truthiness. This is how it will work. Arliss will have her film crew film her as a series of cartoon-style talk bubbles are held up behind her which translate her questions into English so that humans can understand them. The questions are listed farther below. Participating buns will have their staff film them with answers to one or all of the questions held up in clearly written talk bubbles. Like so:

Bunny with Talk Bubble

Bunny with talk bubble.

Arliss will select bunny respondents for the final video based upon how much they bring the funny. Views of all kinds are hoppily accepted. Arliss will then have her production staff edit together various responses into a single video and submit the whole thing to “Restoring Truthiness.”

Arliss’ Questions:

1. What does truthiness mean to you, the Average American Rabbit?

2. Of the multitude of ways in which restoring truthiness will improve each and every moment of your life, which is the most important?

3. Is the direct connection between carrots and truthiness as obvious to you as it is to me?

4. Is the grass always truthier on the other side of the fence?

5. Do you view truthiness as THE umbrella under which the lop-eared and the uppie-eared can live together in perfect harmony?

6. Agree or Disagree:  the vicious, rabbit-eating eagle is an excellent symbol of truthiness.

7. Final Question, Agree or Disagree:  the best way for any future Presidential candidate to prove his or her commitment to truthiness would be to select a rabbit as a running mate.

When submitting video, please include the name of the human transcriber, an email address where this human can be reached and the city where the bunny lives. Obviously, we don’t really care where the human staff lives, Arliss is ALL about the bun.  😉   If anything typical of the city where the bunny lives can be included in the video, that would be especially great. Funny answers are what it is all about and Arliss brooks no fools. If your bun would like to participate or you have any questions, please feel free to contact Arliss at arlissbunny@earthlink.net. You can also follow her on Twitter at ArlissBunny or subscribe to her blog, right here at WordPress.

All for Truthiness and Truthiness for All!

Arliss out.

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You think I’m kidding, that this is satire, but I am saying, in the grand tradition of Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin is a communist spy. Oh alright, I’ll bow to the pressure of political correctness. Sarah Palin is a Russian political operative. Here’s a helpful chalkboard diagram as evidence.

Arliss' Chalkboard Diagram

Allow me to explain.

1. Sarah Palin wears LOTS of red. I know, other American female politicians do too, but not like Sarah. Red hair, flaming red lips, red-head to toe – almost all the time. Red. Red. Red. The slang for communist is “red.” Red is the color most commonly associated with Russia even after the fall of the Soviet empire. Red = Red

2. In an interview by Glenn Beck, who was more fawning than actual fawns,

Beck – “Who’s your favorite founder?”

Palin – “Ummmmm…you know…well, all of them.”

We’re talking here about a woman who not only can’t name a single founding father of the United States but quite possibly couldn’t think of one because the over-riding thought that filled her head when she was asked the question was, “Marx, Lenin or Stalin…it’s so hard to decide! Oh, and wouldn’t it be just a BLAST to have a beer with Boris Yeltsin!” You know how it is, once you get one answer in your head, it’s so hard to dig up another one.

3. In an interview with Kati Couric, Palin couldn’t name a single book or news publication which she reads…in English. I suspect she knew that answering “Pravda” wouldn’t go over well with American voters.

4. As a normal American or, frankly, any nationality of rabbit, you have to ask yourself, “Self, what is it with this Palin woman and bears?” I’LL TELL YOU! Bears are the animal most commonly associated with what country?!?! That’s right, kind Reader, Russia, hence, the RUSSIAN bear.

5. Palin has no respect what-so-ever for any media which is either unfiltered or intent upon reporting facts. She only accepts interviews from verifiably friendly media and engineers all events to only allow pre-screened questions just like every single Russian and Soviet politician since…well…forever. Where do you think she learned that?

6. She is an ardent supporter of the plaid* Birther Movement meaning that she supports the immediate removal of the current US President. It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that this is a plot with Russian fingerprints all over it. It’s what the Kremlin dreams about – when they wake up and need a towel.

* See the landmark film “Spaceballs” to fully appreciate this sly and yet hilarious reference.

7. Her husband, Todd, is a fisherman, clearly a nod to the proletariat. Why else would anyone marry someone who smells like that?

8. During the 2008 campaign she was fixated on being able to see Russia from Alaska. Really? I find myself compelled to ask, “Sarah, just exactly how much time have you spent longingly staring at Russia? Wishing you could be there? Wishing it could be here?” Now I say to you, the Average American, “How much time have you spent staring at Russia?” I’m guessing zero. That’s what makes you an American and her, well…something else entirely. (Note my exceptional use of the vaunted Glenn Beck Reasoning System here.)

As a closing comment…OMG, I almost forgot…she’s a HOCKEY mom!!! Need I say more, people? HOCKEY for crying-out-loud! What more could I say to you? How much more evidence do you need? (If you could see me now you would know that my paws are reaching out and there are earnest tears pouring down my face.) This woman is an enemy of the State. She is the moral anti-thesis of all that is good and right, of Democracy with a CAPITAL D, of kittens, people. Sarah Palin is an enemy of kittens everywhere! Sarah Palin is the Devil! (Too much?) Ok, strike that last part. Sarah Palin has had tea with the Devil…at a Tea Party.

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Humans today throw words around with absolutely no idea how to pronounce them or what they mean yet by using them incorrectly long enough, the words themselves become changed. Take the word “forte” for instance. It’s pronounced “fort,” people, not “for-tay,” “FORT.” Really. Look it up. But people have been screwing it up for so long that even the dictionary finally gave up. I know, you are gong to tell me that language is elastic and that it evolves. I’m just asking, must it evolve to accommodate stupidity? Apparently so.

Additional examples of this exist here in my home state of Indiana. Right now, for instance, I am temporarily staying in the Middle of Nowhere, Indiana which is a mere half hour from Milan, Indiana. That’s pronounced “My-land,” for those of you who, when you first read the word, foolishly thought to yourselves, “Me-lawn”. I feel confident in saying that most of the people who live in Milan, Indiana cannot even conceive of Milan, Italy, of what it has produced and the place it holds in history. I’m equally confident that these humans have no idea why the Travel Channel or the Discovery channel is included in their cable package. If you can’t watch the Bengals on it and scream “Who dey” at the television, what’s the point?  I’m also just a hop, skip and a jump (times a million), or about a half hour, from Versailles, Indiana. Of course, that would be “Ver-sales.” Stop laughing. I’m not making this stuff up. They look at you like you are an idiot if you say it any other way.

So, apparently, in keeping with the parlance of the day, I’m a Muslim. This is obvious because I AM a terrorist. Just ask anyone. I box ankles without reservation, take it upon myself to destroy anything in my purview with which I disagree and generally rain fear down all around me. At least, that’s my goal. It was easier when I still had my front teeth. (Damn those abscesses.) I also fully support the terrorist actions of others. Earlier this week Samwise Bunny chewed a huge hole into the side of a Samsonite carry-on and ate right through the handle. I was impressed. Just like al Jazera, I’m posting this photo on my site.

Sam's Suitcase

Domestic Terrorism (Sam is from Kentucky)

Now, I know many of you are saying, “This can’t be! Arliss isn’t a Muslim. She is a known follower of the Great Pumpkin. We made a HUGE, overblown, mountain-out-of-nothing about this just two years ago when we decided she was following a Great Pumpkin preacher that we didn’t like. We published a bizillion photos of her with her Great Pumpkin preacher. We spent millions of dollars of valuable network time talking about it. We had a special chyron!”

I say, “chyron shmyron!” because in addition to being a Muslim, I am not qualified to be the President of the United States. You see, I don’t wear my birth certificate on my forehead and my mother was an ENGLISH lop so, clearly, despite the wealth of evidence associated with my domestic birth, including the testimony of several humans who were present, my thrice verified birth certificate and local newspapers of the day which noted my birth, I am still considered foreign-born by a full 30% of the population.

Beer Good, Education Bad

Chart 1: Beer Good, Education Bad

I am even further unqualified to be President because you don’t think you would want to have a beer with me. You think I’m too smart, too educated and not at all like you and we all know how qualified YOU are to be President. OBVIOUSLY, when you compare the essential requirement of beer-buddy to the frivolous extravagance of intelligence and education, there is no question what-so-ever that I am not Presidential material. Since I don’t have a chalkboard, here’s a handy chart.

But let’s be clear here, I AM a terrorist. “No!” you say?

You don’t know me. I’m THAT disapproving*.

*See previous post references to me as a Famous Disapproving Rabbit.

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[With Helpful Illustrations]

I’m telling you now, I don’t get this whole mosque thing. Oh, I listen to MSNBC and CNN AND Fox. I have all the information. I still don’t get it.

1. First we have New York City, a place which celebrates itself as the center of the diplomatic United Nationsand financial world.  Wall StreetPersonally, I’m a big fan of the park. I’ve seen pictures. Central Park

2. Next we have lunatic humans plowing planes into buildings, the WTC and the Pentagon, and killings thousands. Bunny lives were lost too but you didn’t notice. You were all in shock and too sad to pay any attention. We forgive you. It was an awful time for everyone.

3. Now, we have Sufi Muslims trying to go through the proper channels to get the approval to build a community center and small mosque two blocks away from the original site of the WTC. In response all manner of talking-head-hell has broken loose. "You're wrong!" "No, you're wrong!"

I should clarify here, for those who missed it behind all the hot air being expended, that Sufism is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT branch of Islam than that of the terrorists. The terrorists were Sunni. The Sufi and the Sunni aren’t “kind of the same thing” or “hard to tell apart,” they are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. As in, it’s one thing to blame the Jehovah’s Witness’ for Michael Jackson. It’s another thing entirely to blame the Mormons. [To further clarify, there are also the Shi’a, as in the nutjobs that run Iran, but don’t get me started on that.]

Now, let’s say for the sake of argument, that it is acceptable to blame an entire group of people or faith for the actions of selected individuals. Let’s just imagine that I am good with that. Adolph Hitler Adolph Hitlerwas, for instance, a Catholic. So let’s ban all Catholic churches in Germany and Israel…and any around the WTC, just to be safe. Also, Timothy McVeigh Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building was a Catholic too so, clearly, that’s it for the Catholic church anywhere near the site of the Oklahoma City bombing. WOW! When you think about it, the Catholics have really been trouble from the beginning, trying to convert everyone all over the world to their religion with their Crusade, their Inquisition, Inquisition torture Friday the Thirteenth and their seditious missionaries. Obviously, they want everyone to be under the rule of Rome and they aren’t shy about butchering those who disagree.

And then there are the Mormons. They have a CLEARLY stated plan for world domination and the missionaries, money and growth in numbers to back it up. They are even bent on getting Mormons elected to the highest offices in this land. Mitt Romney Also, have you seen their temples fortresses? No windows down low, huge high walls set on strategically defensible land. Tell me those aren’t people with an organized plan.

Okay, so far we have eliminated Catholic churches in several locations and two countries and we are keeping an eye on those Mormons. Who’s next? I’m currently checking into the United Church of Christ. You really have to watch them because they support tolerance…just like the Sufi Muslims. That’s right, tolerance.

tolerance |ˈtäl(ə)rəns|
noun
1 the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with

Need I say more?!?! Both the UCC and Sufis believe that it is okay if you believe something different than they do! These silly people actually think that faith is something internal, that you practice for yourself – not something you shove down the throats of others AND they think that the best way to spread their message is to have places around the world so that other people can come inside, of their own free will, and learn something. *shock* *gasp*

Now I have a LOT to say about Sunni and Shi’a Islam – what’s right with it, what’s wrong with it but I won’t bore you with that because here’s one thing I know for sure, NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS SUFI ISLAM. THUMP!!!

And even if this community center was being built by Sunni Muslims, is the founding principle of religious freedom so thin and fragile in this country that you are willing to sacrifice it on any alter (fear, bigotry, grief, political gain, 15 minutes of fame?) Freedom of religion is one of the backbones of the country and has extended a grace to this nation found in precious few places in the world. So, you have to ask yourself, do you want to be more like Saudi Arabia or more like Canada because this, people is one of those tipping point moments. Al-Qaeda and the Taliban are already using your hate and bigotry about this mosque as a recruitment tool. Do you really want to be a part of making their lives any easier? If so, what does that make you?

Today, I overheard a talking head saying something like:

Head: …well, if we could just be guaranteed that the form of Islam taught in mosques in this country was peaceful and not anti-government then…

This statement made me perk up my ears, which is going some because…you know, lop ears – harder to perk,

Seriously, perking ears is a challenge for lops.

and I got to thinking…what if we threw out part of that pesky “freedom of speech” thingie and did monitor what was taught in mosques. That might be good. Then I thought, oooooh, we should throw in the Christian churches too because there are many more Christian pastors preaching against the government right now than there are Muslim ones. PreacherThat would solve everything, right?

To summarize, we have eliminated Catholic churches in several locations and two countries. we are keeping an eye on those Mormons, we are viewing anyone tolerant with suspicion and we have spies in all the churches, mosques and temples. Whew! Good work guys! I think you are making real progress…backwards.

May the Great Pumpkin bestow his blessings upon you all. Great Pumpkin God [Note:  my God tastes better than your God – especially in pie.]

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Before the revolution, meaning before it became more common for bunnies to live indoors and receive the level of health care rightfully accorded to most house rabbits, we lived short and very often miserable lives at the hands of careless, or at the very least uneducated, humans. However, in the last twenty years or so, great inroads have been made. More and more buns are living to be happy, healthy elder buns – including me. I’m nearly eleven. (Mia, next door, is almost twelve and her bonded partner, Moesha, who passed earlier this year, was fourteen.) Of course, the virtues of this are immediately apparent:

1. we have a longer time to hatch and execute our plots to take over the world (or is that just me?);

2. we have the proximity necessary to wrap humans around our little paws and make them dance like marionettes (or, again, is that just me?); and

3. instead of working every day on just staying alive, we have the time to become technically savvy so that we can…. (opps! I may have said too much…. Bwhahaha!).

Anyway, at the heart of all of this is the improved diet and health care afforded the modern house bun. That being said, I have some thoughts on the American health care system. I know, it has been a big subject in the media this year and I am late to the debate but I have been busy with other projects (see list above) and it was not until I was reminded, just this week, of how much I disapprove of  the current health care system that I felt compelled to comment.

Let’s start with the location. How is it that in order to, supposedly, feel better, I must first be packed, unwillingly, into a carrier and transported nearly half way across the known universe in order to receive an appropriate level of care? What’s the deal?!?! The dog who lives here can literally WALK three blocks to get to a veterinarian. Obviously, the education for most veterinarians is grossly lacking and must be completely overhauled. I am clear on the fact that I am both exceptional and notable enough to rate a specialist but that doesn’t excuse the local vet from being absolutely useless (and a known bunny killer, having used the wrong antibiotic on an unfortunate local bun.) Human universities need to get it together and prepare ALL of their veterinary graduates with at the very least the BASICS of bunny care. What could POSSIBLY be more important? Thump!

Now let’s move on to the facilities. What’s the deal with bunnies having to share with predators? This past week I was placed on a scale wich very clearly smelled of both dog and cat. There were no members of those species immediately apparent in the room but they can be shifty, especially cats, and one can never be too careful. (Mia tells me that Moesha’s personal mantra was “everyone eats bunnies, bunnies don’t eat anyone.” This strikes me as defeatist but not unwise.) My response, since the scale was on the floor, was to make a run for it. I got about six hops away before my efforts were mitigated by my being snatched up into the air. Hurrumph! My point being, humans clearly insist upon human-only medical facilities and I think bunnies and other non-predatory species should band together and do the same. Also, would it be so hard to have a scale made of some non-slippy material? Seriously, people, you try to stand there with fur covering 100% of the bottom of your paws! Thump! Thump!

I do find that the doctors and staff at the specialists which have attended to me to be, in the norm, as respectful as possible given the abhorrent circumstances. My most recent visit involved meeting Dr. Rebecca Naas, of Cincinnati’s Glenway Animal Hospital, for the first time. Dr. Naas was kind enough to sit on the floor to examine me and I have to tell you, this is very much appreciated since those examination tables really give me the creeps, not to mention flashbacks to earlier, unspeakably horrible experiences. Dr. Naas gave me a thorough exam and carefully checked my eyes all without having to have me more than one hop up off the ground. She also spoke directly with me. (I absolutely HATE it when doctors talk about me and not to me – it’s SO insulting.) She and I agreed that while my cataracts are much worse, my eyes are both “quiet” with zero indications of infection either there or anywhere else. We discussed the inevitability of aging and I have accepted this as one unfortunate part of the process. She even offered to refer me to a veterinary ophthalmologist should I have any further concerns. I elected to attempt a second escape at that moment so I think I made it plain that I am just fine, thank you, and not in need of another ride in the crate or another doctor poking at me. In general, as far as doctors go, I liked her and would recommend her to other buns. (Mia, btw, tells me that she sees another doctor in that same practice, a Dr. Diana Dornbusch Cron, and absolutely raves about her – as if a veterinarian COULD actually “walk on water.”)

As for the cost of health care, frankly, not my problem directly it still is a matter worthy of disapproval.  I endured several procedures in an attempt to address awful recurring infections prior to having my front teeth extracted (I still have PTSD about that and don’t really wish to discuss it here), have had numerous well-checks and this most recent trip to have my eyes evaluated. My medical expenses, therefore, have been substantial. This, of course, is nothing in comparison to my personal value. It does, however,  speak to the level of commitment necessary from my humans. I have no problem with the jobs they need to work in order to support me in the manner which I so richly deserve and to which I have become accustomed but it is worth saying that the cost of health care is one of the reasons bunny servitude (formerly known as bunny ownership) must not, at present, be undertaken lightly. More importantly, it serves to highlight the urgent need for national health care insurance for all members of the fur-covered community. While it is true that Bo, President Obama’s dog, and I will never be close friends, I do think we share this as a core value. I am expecting Bo to work toward this as a personal goal for the balance of the Obama presidency. I will vote accordingly.

Well, I must hop. An episode of Pinky & the Brain is coming on. It’s my favorite show. I even take notes sometimes. I’m thinking it will save me from making some of the same mistakes as my plans progress for… … …nevermind….

Pinky & the Brain

Pinky & the Brain

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