You think I’m kidding, that this is satire, but I am saying, in the grand tradition of Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin is a communist spy. Oh alright, I’ll bow to the pressure of political correctness. Sarah Palin is a Russian political operative. Here’s a helpful chalkboard diagram as evidence.
Allow me to explain.
1. Sarah Palin wears LOTS of red. I know, other American female politicians do too, but not like Sarah. Red hair, flaming red lips, red-head to toe – almost all the time. Red. Red. Red. The slang for communist is “red.” Red is the color most commonly associated with Russia even after the fall of the Soviet empire. Red = Red
2. In an interview by Glenn Beck, who was more fawning than actual fawns,
Beck – “Who’s your favorite founder?”
Palin – “Ummmmm…you know…well, all of them.”
We’re talking here about a woman who not only can’t name a single founding father of the United States but quite possibly couldn’t think of one because the over-riding thought that filled her head when she was asked the question was, “Marx, Lenin or Stalin…it’s so hard to decide! Oh, and wouldn’t it be just a BLAST to have a beer with Boris Yeltsin!” You know how it is, once you get one answer in your head, it’s so hard to dig up another one.
3. In an interview with Kati Couric, Palin couldn’t name a single book or news publication which she reads…in English. I suspect she knew that answering “Pravda” wouldn’t go over well with American voters.
4. As a normal American or, frankly, any nationality of rabbit, you have to ask yourself, “Self, what is it with this Palin woman and bears?” I’LL TELL YOU! Bears are the animal most commonly associated with what country?!?! That’s right, kind Reader, Russia, hence, the RUSSIAN bear.
5. Palin has no respect what-so-ever for any media which is either unfiltered or intent upon reporting facts. She only accepts interviews from verifiably friendly media and engineers all events to only allow pre-screened questions just like every single Russian and Soviet politician since…well…forever. Where do you think she learned that?
6. She is an ardent supporter of the plaid* Birther Movement meaning that she supports the immediate removal of the current US President. It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that this is a plot with Russian fingerprints all over it. It’s what the Kremlin dreams about – when they wake up and need a towel.
* See the landmark film “Spaceballs” to fully appreciate this sly and yet hilarious reference.
7. Her husband, Todd, is a fisherman, clearly a nod to the proletariat. Why else would anyone marry someone who smells like that?
8. During the 2008 campaign she was fixated on being able to see Russia from Alaska. Really? I find myself compelled to ask, “Sarah, just exactly how much time have you spent longingly staring at Russia? Wishing you could be there? Wishing it could be here?” Now I say to you, the Average American, “How much time have you spent staring at Russia?” I’m guessing zero. That’s what makes you an American and her, well…something else entirely. (Note my exceptional use of the vaunted Glenn Beck Reasoning System here.)
As a closing comment…OMG, I almost forgot…she’s a HOCKEY mom!!! Need I say more, people? HOCKEY for crying-out-loud! What more could I say to you? How much more evidence do you need? (If you could see me now you would know that my paws are reaching out and there are earnest tears pouring down my face.) This woman is an enemy of the State. She is the moral anti-thesis of all that is good and right, of Democracy with a CAPITAL D, of kittens, people. Sarah Palin is an enemy of kittens everywhere! Sarah Palin is the Devil! (Too much?) Ok, strike that last part. Sarah Palin has had tea with the Devil…at a Tea Party.